Too much to ask?

As I slathered on lotion the other day I imagined the perfect do-it-all body care solution. Here’s what I decided I want to see in one body product—as if this were even possible (hey, a girl can dream right?):

• Self-tanner
• Anti-cellulite, firming
• Anti-aging
• Slow or stop hair growth
• Moisturizing
• Velvety smooth, not sticky
• Subtle shimmer
• No rub-off onto clothing
• Long lasting
• Customizable or variety of scents, no stink factor
• Affordable

In the age of laser treatments, botox and lip plumpers is that really too much to ask? I’m always torn when I buy body lotion—what feature is most important to me—cuz I can’t have them all.

I’d be happy if I could even get all these features in a combination of two products—shower gel (firming & anti-aging) and body lotion (tanning & slowing hair growth)—and both in the scents I like. Realistic or not, I’m going to hold out hope.

What’s your dream product?